Law of Equivalent Exchange
by PureWaterLily
Summary: In which Ed rips through the portal, curb kicks the Naruto villains, and gives a whole lecture about their blatant disregard to the one true law of ANY universe: equivalent exchange. Crack.
1. The Door of DOOM

Law of Equivalent Exchange

_In which Ed rips through the portal, curb kicks the Naruto villains, and gives a whole lecture about their blatant disregard to the one true law of ANY universe: equivalent exchange._

_Warning: crackpot theories, pseudo-science, blatant references_

* * *

Kabuto is quite antisocial, withdrawing from human contact as vampires do from light. But the war is over, and Madara insists on breaking every rule in the "Things to Never do as Evil Overlord" manual.

First, dragging the very-much alive kyuubi host and his friends into the secret hideout that everyone in the world now knows about.

Two, binding them together in only a _seemingly_ fool proof manner that even a five year old can sniff out the loopholes.

Three, gathering the entire villainous staff in a single location that is susceptible to be nuked, mostly because of number one.

Four, discarding an ally and tossing him in with the fallen heroes (the fact that said ally had former connections to the main hero, and incredibly strong ones at that, doesn't help.)

Five, gloating his almighty-ness and cursing/laughing at the pathetic Uchiha and Senju, when many followers in the room are indeed outraged Uchihas and Senjus themselves, or descendents/ancestors of.

Six, revealing every detail of how he succeeded, including unveiling the hissing snake-nin, and all his future plans.

Seven, giving Naruto and Sasuke the opportunity to reconcile and agree, yes, they are both idiots and that they should just drop their "I'm going to save the world!" and "I'm going to destroy the world!" plans in favor of working together to _shut the senile old kook up_.

Overall, Madara is tempting Fate to just come down in person and stomp him to the curb, deconstructing his 100 year plan via a single deus-ex-machina.

"So, any last words?"

Kabuto wants to make his snake strangle himself. This is indeed a very, very bad idea.

Naruto and Sasuke both exchange a grin, and suddenly the Sharingan activates and fiery chakra whirls in the air. "Yes, we do," they state simultaneously, and Kabuto is expecting either a corporal god or demon fox to materialize from nowhere.

And indeed, both do, combining and morphing, transforming and mutating, as the Sharingan attempts to control the chakra, and the chakra continues to warp the Sharingan, and the entire cove/hideout is drenched head to toe in the agonizingly dense air and ominous music.

Zombie Deidara enthusiastically approves of the display with 4.5/5 in drama and 3.75/5 in artistic appeal, while re-zombiefied Sasori gives 1.25/5 shurikens.

Then...

A giant metallic mass falls, and once the vibrations, ominous music, lightning, and filler stares of extended horror fade, there is a silence.

"A _door_?"

"... Yeah, looks like a door to me."

And an intimidating millennium-year-old door it is, nearly a story tall with the head and claws of a shinigami, and nine symbolic tails engraved deeply on the surface. Now _this_, re-zombiefied Sasori approves; zombie Deidara merely grunts.

"What were you thinking about, dobe? The _bathroom_?"

"Hey! I haven't used a toilet for two hundred pages. Cut me some slack."

"But a _door_? What are we suppose to do with a _door_? Have it tip down and crush everyone to death?"

"That, or we can... uh... open it? Maybe the awesome-cool-sage-ninja slash father-of-the-universe is behind it."

"Then why don't you _open_ it," Sasuke grits through his teeth, "before, you know, anyone wises up and decides to finally _kill_ us."

Naruto pouts, but agrees, as an enlarged chakra hand, five hundred times his body's mass, shoots out of of his chest and attempts to push the door.

Then pull it.

Then push again.

Then shake it furiously.

Then pound and weep before it.

Then... knock on it? Politely?

Huh. Nothing. The hand retreats, knuckles hung low and defeated.

Naruto decides it must be a verbal command instead. "Uhh... open sesame?"

…

"Avra Kedavra?"

…

"Oh, the mystical sakura goddess of thy heavenly moon commands thou to open... ish? Just a peek? Pretty please?"

…

"Ooh! Ooh! Now I know. The ramen goddess of noodle-y heaven commands thou to unslurp yourself!"

Nope, still nothing. Naruto is officially out of ideas, leaving his partner to roll his eyes and, once again, save the day.

Sasuke closes his eyes, puts on his most grim face, and then commands in an authoritative, manly, and very Uchiha-ish voice, "OPEN... _DOOR_."

…

"Haha, the door ignored you too," Naruto snickers.

"Oh, for the love of Itachi," he groans, "Unmask thyself! Reveal thy hatred to me! The seeds of revenge commands you to open! Do it! ..._Now_!"

"You fail worse than me, man."

An enraged Sasuke then decides to test his ninjutsu hand, his eyes bleeding as black fire engulfs the base... but the metal is actually fortified tungsten, and contrary to belief, Amaterasu _not_ "fire" from the sun (hence why no one has died from the sheer proximity to it nor suffered from skin cancer yet), but a side-effect flame that is so low in temperature, it no longer emits visible light. The incineration, then, results from feeding chakra, but tungsten is chakra-proof. Which also renders the Tsukuyomi (maybe the door is sentient, who knows) and Susanoo also ineffective.

What everyone fails to realize is that a simple hacksaw might do the trick, slowly but surely. That, or a kick from Rock Lee, who, unfortunately, has been cast to side-character hell, letting his awesomeness wilt on arbitrary manga panels, and will not be included in this story. Yet.

However, no physical damage to The Door is also good. Any physicist will say it very dangerous to mess with interdimensional portals (_intra_dimensional abuses are fine, as proven by the stability in reality and lack of any super-massive black holes after multiple time-space jutsus), but there hasn't been any further studies in physics since the so-called impossible Chuunin Written Exam, which actually contains elementary problems high school students can solve, so let's not even go into the scientific horrors associated with that.

So, to move on with the plot, a zombie Itachi mutters a pseudo-Greek incantation from under his breath, because the only plausible explanation for how he invented all those doujutsus is that he derived them from a scroll of a fallen, ancient civilization that he obtained on a long-lost pre-storyline mission. Why? Because you can't freaking expect a _thirteen year old boy_ to tap into the _deep mythological powers of the universe_, creating _alter-realities from pure neuron discharges _and gaining the ability to_ summon gods _into combat..._ overnight_.

And thus, the door opens, revealing the glows of heavenly light and two figures booted into the Naruto-verse, because they, once again, are banished from their own dimension for being too epically awesome.

(Or so they will say.)

And as everyone insignificant in this scene ogles and falls to their knees, bowing and chanting "Kami-sama, Kami-sama," Ed rubs his ass, examines the scene, looks for his brother, who, though a tad dismantled, has all his pieces.

"Uh... brother, I've got a feeling we're not in Amestris anymore," Al says after placing back on his head.

And everyone stares in awe, admiring the talking armor that is their god, while Ed looks around the cove, concludes this primitive place is an insult to his intelligence, and mumbles, "Alright, this is the _last _time I'm taking advice from Ling."


	2. Language Barrier

Warnings: More obscure canon references, inaccurate science, outrageously flawed logic, ill-thought out theories, etc. And yes, I know I'm mixing the original FMA with Brotherhood, Naruto manga with movies and games, and stirring it into one nice primordial soup.

* * *

"People of this... cave... my name is Edward Elric," the boy declares, arms lifted high in an orant gesture (one, for god-like emphasis, and two, he feels it makes him look taller), "and I wish to speak with your leader. Or your best alchemist. Or just the smartest person around. Whichever one works."

When the alchemist receives only blank stares, Al nudges Ed, points to the odd attire, and whispers, "Maybe they only know Xingese."

Hmm. Communication will be difficult then, seeing as only three of the shinobi in the cove has _ever _come across _any_ semblance of Greek or Latin: Itachi, Madara, and surprisingly, Naruto. But Itachi only has the faintest idea of alchemy and the written language, Madara was too prideful in his youth to read some stupid scrolls from some pathetic fallen civilization when he had the chance, and Naruto... well, he doesn't know why the accent sounds familiar, nor can he piece together why the physical features of that boy kind of sort of reminds him of someone else (which is somewhat justified as _no one_, apparently, remembers Galel and their pseudo-philosopher's stone).

And though contact between the two worlds are scarce, anyone _else_ who could have possibly guided the translations is either dead or cursing under fifty tons of rubble.

Luckily, the Elric brothers _do_ know the fundamentals of Xingese, after extensive studies in the East for healing, and when Al repeats Ed's introduction, they are...

Once again, greeted by blank stares.

"Nope brother, they are not Xingese," Al redundantly states.

And after Ed pulls his hair, cursing how this alternate universe reeks of Shamballa plagiarism, and how at least when he was in Munich, there wasn't a _lousy language barrier_, because _what_ kind of opium-intoxicated movie director and/or author includes that kind of realism in CHILDREN'S stories? he exhales, and calms the throbbing vein on his forehead.

_Ling, when I get back, your ass is BURNT POT-ROAST._

"Alright, let's kick this up a notch then," Ed grits, clapping his palms together, a ferocious look of determination on his face, which oddly mimics those of a certain jinchuuriki, something noted by everyone except the jinchuuriki himself, who, with squinted eyes and a pout, is wondering when this chapter will be over so he can use the john. In all honestly, Naruto has gotten used to having the spotlight stolen from him, _especially_ by Sasuke in Shippuuden.

Ed slams full-force into the door, which he, with his alchemy knowledge, cheerfully realizes the Gate of Truth is made of tungsten this time, instead of silicon dioxide. He also likes the fact that alchemy _does _work in this dimension. When he is done, the facade of the entire door seems to have a Gothic arabesque décor with pictures very akin to a burning inferno of people screaming in hell. The black gleam really is working for him.

Ed takes that back: alchemy not only works, it works _beautifully_ here.

"Anyone here from Xing?" Ed calls, pointing to the four giant characters engraved at the center of the tablet, hoping _someone_ in this massive crowd of horrible peeling skin, dead-like zombie stares, and ropes and snakes (nothing different than a typical cult) has _any _connection to the Xing tradition, or he might as well go back to the drawing board and begin working with his brother on transmuting an universal translator. Either that, or just ditch everyone altogether and explore this foreign place by themselves.

After the people stop revering in awe of the lack of hand signs for the transmutation, they read the message. It sparks recognition, as even the dim-witted can read the last character.

"_Hoshi_?" they murmur, exchanging looks before all staring up at the cove ceiling. Then, they try again, "Hoshigakure no Sato?"

The ones with more knowledge in archaic characters recognizes most of the other letters, and respond back in their own language, "There is no more people from Hoshi," to which Ed and Al raise their eyebrows at the foreign tongue.

"That is not Xingese," Alphonse dutifully informs his brother with another redundant remark.

But then, the suit of armor jumps like a cat and cradles Ed, when, out of _nowhere_, a man with spiked black hair materializes and gives the boy and the armor a grin.

By now, Uchiha Madara has come to the conclusion that no, these two are not gods (good, because he doesn't like sharing that title), but they do hold some mysterious power. He is unsure of whether to kill them or not, but for now, he will attempt communication to understand their origins and what they will have to offer.

With a lone katana, Madara decides that, for once, he will be practical instead of magnificent, and a few swift motions later, he has written his own message in the same archaic form. (It is slightly nostalgic, but also very depressing when he is reminded of his own age.)

"_My name is..._ " Al reads out loud. He looks at his older brother. "My Xingese knowledge is shaky, but does that say "spotted fan," brother?"

Edward rubs his chin, examining the sword strokes. "Hmm, well, in Xingese pronunciation, it's like fun... foon... foon sun... foon sun bane?" The boy pointed to the calligraphy and repeated "so... mister Foon Sun Bane," to which the shinobi twitches involuntarily and smoothly corrects, in a deep and sly voice, "Uchiha Madara," accompanied by a courteous bow.

"... Come again, Mr. Bane?"

"_Uchiha_ _Madara_," the warlord says again, delicate in his pronunciation and extending the syllables.

"Yoo-chai-ah Man-door-la?" Al helps.

Resisting the urge to just screw interdimensional communication and strangle them both, Madara shakes his head and beckons the _not-so _trivial matter away, wondering if his fate is to spend the rest of his life dealing with prepubescent and teenage protagonists with decaying brain cells. What became of the good old days when he used to _be _the said prepubescent and teenage protagonist, frolicking with his rival?

Oh yeah, said rival grew up and stabbed a fucking spear into his gut.

"Mr. Bane then," Ed confirms, then reads the rest. "_Welcome to the land of the..._ … does that seriously say ninja?" Wonderful. First he was stuck with crazy physicists who thought it was funny to nuclear bomb countries, and now he landed in mythological ninja land. "_How may we assist you_."

"He seems like a nice man, brother," Al chirps. "We should ask him if he knows something about the elixir, or medicine, or Xingese alkahestry. He might help us."

The older brother nods in agreement, and though the man gives off some _serious_ Kimblee vibes, this may be their best chance of learning something new... and quickly. Winry will _murder_ him if he isn't back by the New Years.

"My name..." Ed points to the name character, his other hand on his chest, "is _Edward Elric_, and this-" he points to his the suit of metal "- is my brother, _Alphonse_."

"Edowado Erurikku," Madara addresses, much more adept at picking up the foreign language, then turning to face the armor, "Arufonsu?"

They decide to ignore his crazy swirling red iris and eagerly nod, with Al even giving double thumbs up.

"And we are looking to know if you know and can teach us alkahestry, or rather... _this_."

Ed claps his hands together again and transmutates the portal facade. A single word appears, and the entire cove dramatically stills.

Then...

"RENTANJUTSU?" the entire shinobi community (sans Naruto, who fell asleep during the entire exchange) cries all at once, alarmed and bewildered, half fainting, a quarter staring at the two with awe, and a final quarter trying to contain a combination of fear and intrigue.

Rentanjutsu, the combination of fire, wind, lightning, earth, water, and a harmonious balance of yin with yang chakra forces. Rentanjutsu, the power that is divided apart and weakened into the categories of taijutsu, ninjutsu, and genjutsu. Rentanjutsu, the devastating techniques that draws the chakras from the earth and combines them with the cosmos. Rentanjutsu, the technique capable to be used by only two people _ever_ in existence, one being the _savior of this world_ and the other being the _father of the universe._

Oh yeah, the people knows what rentanjutsu is, but only now has anyone walked in demanding of it, and with an absolutely serious face. Even Madara is a bit unnerved, because even if he now technically controls the earth, the sun, the moon, he _can't_ control the stars and galaxies, the never ending energies that spans across the universe.

And while the people begin reflecting over the first message, Hoshi, _star_, they begin concocting more and more ludicrous crackpot theories about these two divinely creatures before them. The ones who joined sides with Madara are beginning to question their allegiance, and the prisoners equally wondering if the snoring child is really their so-called "chosen one." As for the zombies... well, they've died once, so they don't give a crapshoot about Earth at this point, but hey, getting to watch this is _almost _worth the fact that their souls are painfully bound to another person's corpse for an eternity of forced servitude.

But of course, rentanjutsu, or simply alkahestry, has different meanings for Ed and Al, so they beam at the reaction. For them, it means the people knows and the entire trip isn't another red herring and lousy waste of time.

When Madara recovers, he slices the door again (which makes physicists everywhere pee in their pants) and engraves his next message.

"_What do you want with rentanjutsu_," Al reads, then takes a spare chalk inside his suit, scribbles a circle, much to Madara's intrigue, and transmutates the gate once more.

"_To learn. Our knowledge be incomplete_," is the response.

_Learn? Incomplete?_ That meant this short man and this strange, single-horned, god-like creature has _prior_ knowledge of it. Another round of fainting ensures.

Madara is not pleased by this audacity and proud proclamation of power (he hasn't even exhausted his own bragging right yet, dammit!)

"_Why shall we teach you anything?_"

Ed frowns, then slams on the gate. _"If you not, we learn without your help_."

Madara furiously slashes the next message. "_If I not permit you_?"

"_We need not permission_."

"Interesting," Madara muses out loud, causing the entire room to stiffen, anticipating a duel. His katana still in hand, Madara lashes one last message.

"_Tell us what you know, and we tell you ours..._" Al begins.

"_... but only if I deem your skill... _worthy?" Ed finishes, eyebrows furrowed, before he suddenly flips around and blocks the sword attack with his transmutated automail.

"Must you fight every episode, brother?" Al sighs, then proceeds to sit passively in the corner as Ed pulls out a long spear from the ground, causing eyeballs to go so wide, they fall out of their sockets, and even causing some applause from the prisoner's side. "Oh, and please don't hurt Mr. Bane. He seems nice."

Meanwhile, Naruto finally wakes up, just in time to see the super-epic (and horribly written) battle sequence. "Is everyone forgetting I'm the main character here?"

"Yes," Sasuke tells him, rolling his eyes. "Of course, mister _Child of the Prophecy_, this would technically be your fight if you hadn't lost your haxxed up _Dragon Sword_."

"It. Was. One. Lousy. Sword," Naruto cries. "Is no one ever going to live it down?"

"It. Was. A. _Dragon Sword_. That was designed for_ you_. That absorbed _anyone's chakra_. That allowed you to use _any jutsu_. And you _lost it_. _To a mountain_." Sasuke is very satisfied by his abuse of emphasis.

"In my defense, it was a fuck ass _big _mountain."

Sasuke merely stares.

Naruto hangs his head.

"Well..." Sasuke sighs, "at least your counterpart seems equally as unimpressive. Hot-headed... flamboyant... blond... short-"

"ALRIGHT, WHO CALL ME A SHORTIE?"

How Ed manages to suddenly overcome the language barrier will remain unknown.


End file.
